3/05/2013

The crazy shit we do to look good

As I sat here in bed - stinking to high heavens like a Mounds candy bar with a plastic grocery bag tied tightly around my head in order to prevent the coconut oil hair treatment from craptastifying my sheets - I began to think. Mainly about the growing number of utterly ridiculous beauty regimes women go through in order to look good. And how stupid we all look while doing them. Let that swim around in your mind for a bit ladies: we actually look stupid in the process of looking good. Take me for instance. Right now. Little Miss Bag Head McGee. The dog won't stop sniffing me and yup, I look stupid. Wanna know whats even more hilarious? I know for damn sure I'm not the only stupid looking bag head in the world right now. Hell, there's probably 1,535439543 others. 

HOLLA baghead chicks! Don't forget to get those face wipes ready in case some of that hair dye or coconut oil or avocado sludge is drippin' down your neck. Forget your Tide sticks. That shit stains! It doesn't come out!

How many of you have let your leg hair get so out of control that you closely resembled a bear cub? And what for? Just so that you could pay to have someone else spread scorching hot wax over top and rip it out by the root? My eyebrows and legs actually BLEED when I have them waxed. Just ask my mother-in-law. And for those of you who say that waxing (of any body part) doesn't hurt. Well, you're well and truly full of shit my friend. Just ask Steve Carrel. The waxing scene (my favorite) part of 40 Year Old Virgin was filmed unscripted so that Steve's genuine reaction was caught on film.

I think I find it so hilarious because he screams the words I think inside my head every time I'm waxed. The words every woman thinks inside her head.
(WARNING: the F bomb is about to be dropped)

"Suck-a-mutha-fucka! You shithead! I hate you!"
Ever poked yourself in the eye while trying to apply mascara? Glued your eye shut with eyelash glue? Screamed bloody murder once you realized you left Nair on too long and it is now burning your skin? Twisted your ankle in 3 inch high heels? Cut yourself shaving? Inhaled half a bottle of hair spray? Scared your husband or pets with that purple face mask? Licked your fingers after using nail polish remover?

I have.

Wax. Nair. Fake tan. Fake nails. Laser treatments. Fake eyelashes. Eyelash tint. Eyebrow tint. Make up. High heels. Hair dye. Pantihoes. Tweezers. Razors. Hair spray. Bleach. Nail polish. Hair treatments. Face masks. Body suits. Mud baths. Little fish that eat the crusty dead skin off of our feet.

The list is endless ladies. And I can guarantee that you, like every other woman around the world, have looked like a dumbass doing those things at some point in your life.

There's just no getting around it , we women do some crazy shit in order to look good. 

4 comments:

  1. AMEN!! You are preaching to the choir!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Laughing so hard!! You are so funny, and exactly right! What a great way to start my Wednesday. And...craptastifying might just be my new word.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Totally use craptastifying, Brooke! Spread it around like a wildfire! Haha!

      Delete

Leave me some love and make me smile!