Ever since Carl and I got engaged the plan was always to get married in Vermont. One big beautiful Green Mountain wedding surrounded by gorgeous VT scenery masterfully intertwined with polka dots, hay bails, vintage English tea pots and homemade scones with clotted cream. For years I'd had it planned out. The colors, the songs, the kind of cake, the flowers...it would be perfect. The stuff that 5 year old Amanda had always dreamed about. Only better. Surrounded by our loved ones we'd become Mr and Mrs Anderson and throughout a night filled with chirping crickets and illuminating lightning bugs we'd dance and drink and laugh and cry as our families met and merged and became one.
But both of my Momma's are wise and after many conversations came a change of heart and with it a change of plans.
There would still be the big beautiful Green Mountain celebration in 2013...only instead of saying I Do, we'd say We Did and dance and drink and laugh and cry as we celebrated our marriage vows already spoken in Southport, England. Our English wedding was just days after my college graduation and took place while my Mom, Dad and Grandmother were still in Liverpool. Planned within a matter of weeks it was quaint, simple, small and beautiful. And while there were aspects of our special day that I wish I could change (like the fact that my sister wasn't able to be here, the weather was monsoon-like, or that my maid of honor Toni and I were running on the worst nights sleep EVER because of couch cushions and evil useless Velcro rollers) it's still in the history books as one of the best days of my life. On that soggy Saturday morning in July of 2011 I married my very best friend, my partner in crime, directly across the road from the hotel where we got engaged. I cried like a baby, hummed to Coldplay's Yellow, and became Mrs. Anderson. It was a different kind of magic than I had ever anticipated, but magic nonetheless.
And still there's the vow renewal in 2013.
Carl and I have planned that big beautiful Green Mountain celebration of 2013 for Saturday October 5th. For months and months and months English in-laws and friends and family members have talked flights while I dream of Vermont apples as table place cards and gold polka dot wedding heels. Deep eggplant and burnt orange are my colors and I want all my bridesmaids, including my baby sister Sonya, to wear knee length dresses instead of long. I want deep purple and mango calla lilies mingled with physalis alkekengi (Chinese lantern flowers to you and I) in my bouquet and I want a smore station set up in the back of the tent. For a very long time it's all been planned.
But my husband is wise and after many conversations came a change of heart and with it a change of plans.
There will still be a big beautiful Green Mountain celebration. A vow renewal like the one I've been dreaming of and planning for years and years. And when it happens Sonya will be at my side. I'll finally get to wear a big dress, and cut a fancy tiered wedding cake and have a father daughter dance with my Daddy and a first dance with my husband. Oh, and a beautiful warm cocktail fueled beachy honeymoon. We can't forget the honeymoon. It'll happen. All of that wonderfulness will happen for us just like everyone else. Someday. Just not this year. Not in this hectic chapter of our lives where money is tight and we're still trying to get settled after moving all the way across the world. Yet again the damn Atlantic Ocean is a royal pain in my ass, but I know all of this must be happening for a reason. Something bigger and better must be in store.
Nevertheless, no matter how optimistic I am, I'd be a liar if I said I haven't cried over this decision many times. Sure, the majority of those tears are pure selfishness seeping from my body, but that's okay. I'm entitled to them. Because for me this is hard. As a little girl I used to watch family wedding videos on repeat. The Wedding Planner is a favorite movie of mine and every single Friday I'm glued to TLC's Say Yes to the Dress like it's nobody's business. To me it's special and important to have a big beautiful wedding where you share your love with all friends and family. Where you dance, drink, eat too much cake and snort as you laugh and cry at the speeches. And it hurts deep down in my bones to know that I won't have that for a while. Not like everyone else. Not like my friends and family, I won't know what it's like to have a bridal shower or how it feels to throw your bouquet backwards over your head. And the truth of the matter is that I may not discover any of those things until our 10 year wedding anniversary. Not because I don't want to but because life gets in the way. God has a bigger plan so I'm gonna do my damnedest to role with the punches and keep on smiling.
My big beautiful day will come. Someday far away. And when it does it'll be amazing, just like I dreamed. Only better. Because a lot can happen in 8 years. Who knows, the flower girls could even be our own :)