I can't help but feel as though I'm stuck in limbo. Teetering between where I want to be in life and where I actually am. Seeing my dreams and hopes and goals within my grasp, yet, still that tiny bit too far to reach.
It's frustrating. I feel sad and impatient. I feel scared and confused. I feel jealous and envious of those around me who have all of those things. I'm just so very very tired of waiting. But good things come to those who wait, right?
Last night as the hubs and I went out to dinner with two of our best friends who are expecting their first baby I couldn't help but feel slight pings of sadness mixed in with the overwhelming joy as Toni and I discussed birthing plans and nursery ideas. I felt absolutely elated as I rubbed her beautiful growing belly and listened intently as she excitedly screamed oh I wish you could feel this! as the baby performed somersaults inside her. But in all honesty, selfishly, it was hard too. Hard because Carl and I discuss babies on a daily basis and often venture into the realms of "I can't wait until I'm pregnant and you can feel our baby move" or 'I can't wait until our baby is old enough for me to teach them to play football" or "I can't wait til our baby is old enough to bake with me." We often admire the baby names we've already selected and in my mind I imagine how utterly amazing it would feel to be a mother and how there's nothing more in the world that I crave. Nothing that I dream more of. I imagine Carl holding our baby and how he'll be such a wonderful Daddy, or the day I clap and cheer and cry as my little one takes their very first steps. I imagine my heart flooding and overflowing with love in the same way that the movie theater popcorn popper does with puffy popcorn kernels.
And as I climbed into bed last night, turned off the light and stared into the calm darkness of our bedroom my pillow was soon soggy with tears. Tears of frustration, and wanting and hope. Tears of happiness for all of my sweet friends expecting precious babies of their own. Tears of impatience. Tears because I'm angry with myself for insisting on planning everything. Tears because it's the Atlantic Ocean's fault we can't have a baby just yet. Tears because I can't help but compare my life to my friends. Tears because I feel so torn between doing it right now, or waiting and doing it right. Tears of guilt for feeling this way when really I should be thankful for what I have instead of longing for something more.
But thankfully this morning, although my heart still aches for a baby, my mind is a tiny bit clearer and I know that everything happens for a reason. I know that although Carl and I are in limbo - just wrapping up our Liverpool chapter and about to begin the opening paragraph in Vermont - we are doing the right thing in waiting. Of course I know deep down that we're not at the point in our lives that I wish we were. We're not completely settled, we don't have our dream jobs or our dream wedding, or our dream house or our 3 children, but I know that it would be unrealistic to expect otherwise. Our circumstances are trying, our love story is challenging and unique. We're about to fly across the world and attempt to pick up all the pieces and put them back together again when we land. But in the end it's what's best for us. And although right now it feels so overwhelming and scary, I know that eventually we'll swim to the surface, take a deep breath and move forward. We'll rebuild our lives and find our footing. It won't happen overnight, but nothing does.
Before I know it, our life will slot into place and it will be our turn to have the great jobs, the dream wedding, a dream house and sweet precious children. Until then, I'll just keep swimming.