10/11/2012

Limbo

I can't help but feel as though I'm stuck in limbo. Teetering between where I want to be in life and where I actually am. Seeing my dreams and hopes and goals within my grasp, yet, still that tiny bit too far to reach. 

It's frustrating. I feel sad and impatient. I feel scared and confused. I feel jealous and envious of those around me who have all of those things. I'm just so very very tired of waiting. But good things come to those who wait, right?

Last night as the hubs and I went out to dinner with two of our best friends who are expecting their first baby I couldn't help but feel slight pings of sadness mixed in with the overwhelming joy as Toni and I discussed birthing plans and nursery ideas. I felt absolutely elated as I rubbed her beautiful growing belly and listened intently as she excitedly screamed oh I wish you could feel this! as the baby performed somersaults inside her. But in all honesty, selfishly, it was hard too. Hard because Carl and I discuss babies on a daily basis and often venture into the realms of "I can't wait until I'm pregnant and you can feel our baby move" or 'I can't wait until our baby is old enough for me to teach them to play football" or "I can't wait til our baby is old enough to bake with me." We often admire the baby names we've already selected and in my mind I imagine how utterly amazing it would feel to be a mother and how there's nothing more in the world that I crave. Nothing that I dream more of. I imagine Carl holding our baby and how he'll be such a wonderful Daddy, or the day I clap and cheer and cry as my little one takes their very first steps. I imagine my heart flooding and overflowing with love in the same way that the movie theater popcorn popper does with puffy popcorn kernels. 

And as I climbed into bed last night, turned off the light and stared into the calm darkness of our bedroom my pillow was soon soggy with tears. Tears of frustration, and wanting and hope. Tears of happiness for all of my sweet friends expecting precious babies of their own. Tears of impatience. Tears because I'm angry with myself for insisting on planning everything. Tears because it's the Atlantic Ocean's fault we can't have a baby just yet. Tears because I can't help but compare my life to my friends. Tears because I feel so torn between doing it right now, or waiting and doing it right.  Tears of guilt for feeling this way when really I should be thankful for what I have instead of longing for something more. 

But thankfully this morning, although my heart still aches for a baby, my mind is a tiny bit clearer and I know that everything happens for a reason. I know that although Carl and I are in limbo - just wrapping up our Liverpool chapter and about to begin the opening paragraph in Vermont - we are doing the right thing in waiting. Of course I know deep down that we're not at the point in our lives that I wish we were. We're not completely settled, we don't have our dream jobs or our dream wedding, or our dream house or our 3 children, but I know that it would be unrealistic to expect otherwise. Our circumstances are trying, our love story is challenging and unique. We're about to fly across the world and attempt to pick up all the pieces and put them back together again when we land. But in the end it's what's best for us. And although right now it feels so overwhelming and scary, I know that eventually we'll swim to the surface, take a deep breath and move forward. We'll rebuild our lives and find our footing. It won't happen overnight, but nothing does.

Before I know it, our life will slot into place and it will be our turn to have the great jobs, the dream wedding, a dream house and sweet precious children. Until then, I'll just keep swimming.

5 comments:

  1. what a beautifully written, honest post. I think all of us feel as if we're stuck in limbo in one way or another. And when it comes to babies and timing, I've found that god or fate whatever has a way of making sure that baby comes at a right time for everyone. Heck, when I found out I was pregnant in March I literally was taken aback because I hadn't planned on children for at least another 3-4 years, but I guess my plan and fate's plan were two different paths. I am excited for you both as you embark on your new adventure to Vermont [woo hoo go usa!] and am sure that everything will fall exactly into place for you both and for your family just as it should. everything in life gets frustrating and having the courage to write about it and to face it head on makes you a stronger person :)

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  2. I came upon your blog from Shannon Dew's and have been a reader for a few weeks now. Take it from someone who has been there. Enjoy the time you have now with your husband. My husband and I were married for five years before we ever thought about having kids. All of my friends were having kids, and it killed me each time I heard the news that yet another girlfriend was expecting. Fast forward 4 years later, and with a 4 year old and 2 1/2 year old. Now, I long for those kidfree days. I love my children more than life itself, but there are somedays that I miss sleeping until I want to wake up, spending lazy weekends on the couch doing nothing but watching crap TV with the hubs. Also, in those five years that we didn't have children, we were selfish. We did what we wanted when we wanted. We went on vacations now, that we wouldn't dream of taking.

    So, I know it hurts now, but four years from now, you might be wishing for your kid free days back.

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  3. Oh honey! My heart aches for you. It is so hard when you are in limbo. Trust me. I know this feeling all too well. Because of John's job we don't get to pick where we live. I mean we can pick the neighborhood and all that. But the city, his company chooses and we've moved every few years since we've been together. We get further and further away from family. It kills me. And I want to buy a house so badly to call our own. With as much as we move we can only rent. So I feel like we are always in limbo waiting for our next "assignment". I have not felt settled in 10 years. It's a double edges sword bc he has a very good job and I can't complain about that. I just hate the nature of his work. Hang in there! Before you know you will be looking back on this post as a mommy!

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